


pain

by plainwhiteluke



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-05
Updated: 2018-12-05
Packaged: 2019-09-12 06:07:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,314
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16867540
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/plainwhiteluke/pseuds/plainwhiteluke
Summary: can also be found on my tumblr - plainwhiteluke





	1. 1

_"I don’t want to go out if you’re mad at me.” You mumbled, sitting on the edge of the bed, your hands clasped in your lap._

_“Well, then don’t fucking come with me.” Ashton grabbed his shirt from the floor, shrugging it over his shoulders and proceeding to struggle to button the shirt with shaking hands._

_“I just think we should talk about this-“_

_“I don’t have time to talk about this, Y/N!” Ashton’s voice was hard, his tone cold and distant. “I have to leave. It’s work, I can’t just not show up at a party that is meant for_ my band _.”_

_“I know that, I just-“ you shook your head, swallowing hard, refusing to cry in front of him. “I really think we need to talk about this, Ashton.”_

_“Not now.” Ashton finally managed to finish buttoning his shirt, and his eyes glanced up at the clock on the bedroom wall. “I’m leaving now. You can stay if you want to, I don’t care.”_

Everything’s black, and you feel yourself  _panic_  because all you can feel is pain pain  _pain_. It’s as if this excruciating pain has taken over everything that you once were, as if it has grown fingers that have wrapped themselves around your throat, squeezing until every last breath has left you.

You can’t feel your body or hear your thoughts or feel anything besides the pain as it rips you apart until all that is left is the  _unbearable agony_.

Everything is just a blur of a black space filled with nothing and pain so strong it makes torture sound like a dream.

 

_Ashton walked ahead of you, his jaw clenched and his hands showed down the pocket of his jeans. You hurried to keep up, not wanting to lose sight of him but at the same time wanting to keep your distance._

_The screaming fight from earlier that day still echoed through your mind, the harsh words like raw wounds that still ached. You and Ashton had been together for years, so of course, there had been fights before between the two of you. But nothing to the extreme of this particular fight. Ashton was always very careful to think before he spoke and to stay calm. He had done none of those things that night._

_The moment you arrived at the party Ashton transformed. His charming smile tugged at his lips, his sweet dimples showing as he greeted friends and family and coworkers. Ashton was professional, and you had not expected anything else from him, but to you who knew him better than anyone, it was clear in the way that his smile never quite reached his hazel eyes that something was wrong._

_The boys, being the only ones who perhaps knew him slightly better than you, also noticed, of course. Calum greeted you at the door, wrapping you up in a warm hug, whispering in your ear when you came close enough. “Is he okay?”_

_“We just had a stupid fight.” You shook your head, hoping your smile seemed genuine enough for Calum to not suspect anything. “He’s fine.”_

_Calum glanced back at his best friend, who now had an arm slung around John Feldy’s shoulder, a cup of some alcoholic beverage already in his hand. Calum locked eyes with you again. “And you? Are you okay?”_

_You swallowed down the lump that throbbed in your throat. “Yes. Of course. I’m just a bit tired from work, that’s all.”_

You felt your lungs burning, choking for air as the pain pushed down your throat.

The question of whether or not you are dead flashes through your mind. But living can’t possibly feel like this, as if you’re detached from your body and all that is left of your being is the burning sensation of pain. If you’re not dead already that must be what’s happening. Nothing but the idea that you’re currently slipping away from life makes any sense. You find yourself almost hoping that that is what’s going on. That you’re dying. Because once you’re gone, the pain should disappear too, right?

 

_“Y/N!” warm fingers wrapped around your arm, stopping you on your way to the toilet. All of a sudden you were dragged into a conversation consisting of Ashton and his family. The person that held onto you was Ashton’s younger sister, Lauren, who beamed happily at you. She wrapped you up in a sweet hug, a smile plastered across her face. “It’s been so long.”_

_You laughed softly, hugging her back. “It’s been_ too _long.”_

_Lauren let you go before she turned to face her older brother, a scowl on her face. “Why didn’t you tell us Y/N was here? I thought she was at work or something. I’d much rather spend my time with her than you.”_

_Ashton looked down at the drink in his hand, the muscles in his jaw clenched harshly as he thought of a reply. Finally, he looked up, and his hazel eyes were glossy. He was already a little drunk. “You’re not attached to my hip, Lauren. You could have looked for her yourself.”_

_You felt your stomach turn. He was still furious._

_“How was your flight?” You asked, wanting to steer the conversation away from the possibility of blowing up. You knew his family had arrived to Los Angeles only the day before, which is why you hadn’t had the chance to see them before the party._

_Ashton’s mom seemed to understand what you were doing, her eyes glanced between you and her son as if she knew. Which she probably did, as she knew the pair of you very well. And her son was usually never that cold to the girl he loved. “Oh, you know, as usual. Way too long.”_

There’s a distant sound piercing through the pain. It sounds like a scream, like an agonized moan. You don’t understand where it’s coming from, or where you are or why everything is black.

It’s not until you choke for air again that you realize that your throat feels raw and that the sounds must be coming from  _you_. And suddenly it’s as if you’ve fumbled long enough in the dark without any control over yourself as your voice slams itself back into your body. Your own screams are now everywhere, filling your ears and making your throat ache as the pain hits you in another wave.

There’s a distant voice coming from somewhere, a familiar tone angrily demanding to be heard.  _What’s going on?_  But you can’t hear the reply nor anything else as you scream yourself hoarse, moaning in agony.

You stumble through the darkness again, wanting to open your eyes so desperately to see who that voice belonged to, to see where you are and to find out what’s going on.

 

_The party with family members was long over, and left was only the band and their closest circle of friends and significant others. You found yourself at the back of some bar, everyone squeezed in together around a few tables. You felt your head throb. You did not want to be there. All you wanted was to go home, have a talk that would solve everything with Ashton so that you could finally fall asleep in his warm embrace._

_But Ashton had other plans for the evening._

_He was_ drunk _. So hammered his smile had turn sloppy and his words slippery. His voice was loud and his giggles came out his mouth alongside hiccups._

_As Ashton slipped away from what until that moment had been his permanent spot next to Luke during the entire evening you saw your chance. You excused yourself to the people you had tried to engage in yourself in a conversation with and headed for the bar where Ashton was standing, waiting for yet another drink._

_You stopped once you reached his side, leaning your back against the bar. Ashton ignored you, turning his head slightly to the other side as if he couldn’t bear to even look at you._

_“I really don’t think you should drink more tonight.” You mumbled as your eyes scanned the side of his face for a reaction._

_He just snorted. “I’m a grown man, I think I can tell when I need to stop.”_

_“It doesn’t seem like it.”_

_“You know, I don’t need your judgement here tonight.” Ashton’s words were a big slur as he finally turned his eyes to you. “We are celebrating my success with my band, I can drink how much I fuckin’ want to.”_

_“It’s getting late, Ashton, and your family is coming over tomorrow.” You sighed, wanting more than anything to be patient with him. “I really think we should-“_

_“You can leave whenever you want to. I don’t care.” Ashton turned his attention to the bartender, grabbing hold of his new drink. “I’m not going anywhere.”_

The screaming eventually dies down to loud moans dripping with torment. The pain overwhelms you, and you feel like you’re going crazy.

You’re slowly gaining back some kind of awareness of your body. And with it comes the realization that your entire body is on  _fire_. You gasp, desperately wishing that the darkness could just swallow you again so that the pain in your head and your legs and your arms and your  _chest_  could disappear into the blur of non-specific pain it had just been.

The pain hits you like a punch, your mind going blank as you gasp. “ _It hurts_!”

Suddenly fingers are wrapped around one of your hands and you are vaguely aware of that familiar voice again. “Y/N? Baby, you’re okay. You’re okay.”

“No…” you gasp for air, feeling the panic roar to life in your stomach again.  _Is no one aware of how much pain you’re in_? “ _It hurts so much_.”

Something – a hand? – strokes your hair, and more voices and sounds start to fill your ears. “I know baby, I know it hurts. Just try to breathe. Breathe for me, sweetheart and everything will be okay soon.”

“I can’t-“ a sob wells up from deep within your throat. “ _It hurts_.”

“Try to breathe, baby girl,  _please_.” You can hear the person next to you moving around before the voice raises into a shout. “Can I please get a fucking doctor in here?”

 

_Ashton stumbled outside, hiccupping as he grabbed onto Michael. “Fuck man. I am so wasted.”_

_Michael just laughed, pushing his best friend away from him before he stumbled towards his own girlfriend. Everyone finally decided to leave the bar, to your relief. However, your hopes of heading home were quickly crushed when someone proposed an after-party at their place. Ashton, of course, cheered in agreement._

_Ashton tried to walk forward, tripped over himself in the process and almost crushed his forehead against the building._

_“Ashton.” You sighed as you grabbed his arm in support. “I really think we should head home.”_

_“Fuck off.” Ashton tore his arm away from yours. “I’m not goin’ anywhere with you.”_

_His harsh words seemed to take everyone by surprise as the drunk laughter amongst your friends died down. You felt the heat in your cheeks as everyone’s eyes seemed to dart between you and Ashton._

_“Ash-“_

_“No. I said I’m not goin’ anywhere with you.” Ashton tried to take a step back, stumbling in the process. “You’re a fuckin’ asshole of a girlfriend and I_ can’t stand _to even look at you right now.”_

_You felt your heart stop at his words, the tears welling up in your eyes. He had never said anything like that to you before._

_“Ashton, c’mon man.” Calum, who seemed to be the most sober out of all the band members, stepped forward, eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “You can’t-“_

_“It’s fine, Calum.” You interrupted Calum before he had the chance to finish, your voice heavy from the lump in your throat. “It’s fine. I’ll just leave.”_

_“No, Y/N-“_

_“Let her fucking go, cal.” Ashton snorted, his usual soft voice so harsh and unfamiliar to your ears. “Let her storm off and make a scene. I don’t fucking care as long as I don’t need to look at her anymore.”_

_At that, you started to walk away, scared that your heart would crack if you had to hear another word falling from Ashton’s lips. You ignored the shouts of your friends, the concern evident in their voices. Instead, you hurried down the streets, the tears falling down your cold cheeks as you headed to where you knew the car was parked. Your chest felt heavy and your eyes burned as the first sob escaped._

Voices are everywhere, speaking of accidents and surgeries and pain medicines. You feel confused, not understanding what’s going on around you.

Finally,  _finally_ , you tear your eyes open and the darkness disappears. Instead, you’re faced with a blurry reality, the light in the room harsh to your eyes as you try to figure out where you are.

“Y/N? Baby? Can you hear me?” A face appears, and you feel your heart burst in your chest. “It’s me. It’s Ashton. I’m here, sweetheart, alright? I’m here right by your side. I’m not leaving you.”

You try to focus on his hazel eyes, your eyes going in and out of focus as the pain threatens to overwhelm you again, to pull you back into the darkness.

“-we need to get her back into surgery again.” A voice says, but you try to stay calm. Staring into Ashton’s eyes as he squeezes your hand. “ _Now_.”

And suddenly the bed is moving, and Ashton’s hand is squeezing yours even harder, his voice breaking as he speaks. “Listen, baby girl. I’ll be right here waiting for you when you come back. Don’t you dare leave me, baby, alright?  _Don’t you dare_.”


	2. 2

Your fingers slip away from Ashton’s as the nurses grab the handles of your bed, rolling you away from him. Ashton stands as if frozen, watching as they take you away, a piece of his heart breaking as they turn the corner and you’re gone.

Ashton feels the uncomfortable feeling of panic creeping up his spine. He stretches out an arm, leaning against a wall as if he will collapse without the support. And he probably would as his knees go softer by each second that you’re missing from him.

“Fuck, fuck,  _fuck_.” Ashton tugs at his hair, closing his eyes as the world around him starts spinning. His thoughts are everywhere, running a marathon and he  _can’t keep up_. He has no fucking idea of what is going on.

 

_Ashton threw his jacket across the kitchen counter and scanned the room, warm relief flooded through his veins as the familiar scent of_ home _filled his lungs._

_He had been home from tour for about a week at that point, but Ashton had barely had any time to actually_ be at home _. The album had dropped just days before he was supposed to fly home, and arriving in Los Angeles meant doing promos and interviews and dinners and just about everything but sleeping in._

_Ashton made his way into the apartment, the quiet space soothing to his ears after a day filled with people demanding his attention._

_He found you on the couch, curled up under a blanket with your hair still wet after your shower. Ashton felt his heart leap at the sight of you and he had to fight the urge to just collapse next to you, snuggling closer to your body and just fall asleep._

_But he couldn’t be doing that. Because in just a few hours it would be time to leave again._

_The band’s record label had arranged a party, and Ashton had spent that entire day in meetings about the goddamn thing. He did not want to spend his evening at the party, and as he laid eyes on your sleeping frame he quietly debated with himself if he perhaps should just stay home with you._

Ashton doesn’t know how he got from the recovery room to a waiting room. All he remembers is a kind voice, patting his arm and promising that everything will be okay.

Ashton sinks down in a chair, and it isn’t until that moment he realizes how exhausted he is. Every limb screams out in protest and his eyes aches as he raises a hand to rub the sleep out of them. Ashton sighs, finally looking up to scan the room. It’s quiet, and thankfully not crowded with people. It doesn’t take him long to figure out that he’s in the waiting room in the E.R. Ashton feels his heart beat faster as he studies the people in the room.

A mother with her daughter sits closest to him, the child is curled up against her mom’s side, dried tears on her small cheeks. There are a few other people in the room as well, but Ashton’s eyes lock on a young woman. She’s sitting on a chair by a window, her knees tucked close to her chest as she sobs into the phone against her ear.

He looks away, his own tears threatening to spill at the sound of another person’s heartbreak. He fumbles for his phone, the screen lighting up with missed phone calls and text messages. He had sent a quick message to the boys in the group chat before he drove to the hospital this morning, and they had sent him a sea of confused replies. One person he had forgotten to talk to was his mom, and Ashton groaned as he looked through her texts. He had completely forgotten that his family was supposed to spend the day with him.

Ashton clicked on his mother’s contact with shaky fingers, raising the phone to his ears, the tears welling up as the soft voice of his mother fills his ears. “Mom? It’s been an accident.”

 

_Ashton stepped out of the bathroom, his soaked hair curling at his temples as he pulled the sweatpants over his hips. He stopped at the sight of you sitting on the edge of the bed. He hadn’t heard you come upstairs._

_“Hey, baby.” He smiled as he came closer to bed and crawled up. He reached for you, his long arms wrapped around your waist and pulled you close to his chest. With a content sigh, he dropped his lips to yours in a sweet kiss. “I’ve missed you.”_

_You kissed him back but quickly retreated. Ashton felt confused but did not stop you as you pushed away from his embrace and onto your knees. “I missed you too.”_

_He felt his entire body warm up at your soft tone, and he quickly leaned forward to catch one of your hands in his, his fingers fitting comfortably between yours. With his other hand, he reached up and poked your cheek. “What’s wrong, Y/N? Why are you breaking my heart like this? Not wanting to kiss me and all.”_

_You chuckled before you looked up at Ashton, and your nervous eyes met his. “I_ do _want to kiss you. I just… There’s something I need to tell you.”_

_And then Ashton felt nervous, but he tried to swallow any worry that crept up his throat. Whatever it was you wanted to talk about couldn’t be that bad. Instead, he smiled, placing a quick kiss over your knuckles. “What is it you want to tell me?”_

Luke picked up his phone in just a few seconds. “Ashton. What’s going on?”

Ashton can hear Michael and Calum in the background, and how they both grow quiet as Luke utters his name. “I don’t know…”

Luke stays quiet for a few seconds, and Ashton knows he’s looking for the right words. “What happened, Ash?”

“I-,“ Ashton runs a hand through his hair as he stands up from his chair. He takes a few steps away from the seating area. “I just got a call this morning. They told me she had been in a car accident, but that’s all I know.”

Luke breathes in sharply. “Fuck. Where is she now? She’s okay?”

“I saw her just now, but she wasn’t-,“ Ashton closes his eyes, swallowing hard as the memories of your agonized cries fill his mind. “They had to get her back in surgery. I’m waiting to hear something.”

“Fuck, man. I’m so sorry.” Luke groans and Ashton can hear the phone moving around as Luke mumbles something to Calum and Michael. “Do you want us to come? Or do you want to be alone?”

“Yes,” Ashton whispers the words as he presses his knuckles to his mouth, afraid that if he speaks any louder he will just start crying again. “Please come.”

 

_You looked down at your connected hands as your front teeth sank down into your bottom lip._

_“Don’t feel scared, baby. You can tell me whatever. I won’t be mad, I promise.” Ashton didn’t know it then, of course, but that was an incredibly_ stupid _thing to promise._

_“Well. I applied for this job that one of my professors recommended. She said it would be perfect for me.” You looked up at Ashton, your eyes quietly pleading him to stay calm. “And I got it.”_

_“But that’s great, baby!” Ashton laughed in relief, tugging at your arm as if to pull you closer. “I’m so proud of you.”_

_He leaned in for another kiss but you quickly placed a hand on his chest, stopping him from coming any closer. Confusion welled up in his eyes again. You swallowed. “It’s in Italy.”_

_Ashton’s hand in yours froze, and at that moment it felt like the world stopped spinning. But he quickly recovered and placed a quick kiss on your cheek. “Oh, I’m sorry, baby.”_

_Ashton stood up, only then noticing your black dress. He glanced at the clock and realized that it wasn’t long until you would have to leave. You were left alone on the bed, still on your knees as you looked up at Ashton. “What do you mean you’re sorry?”_

_“Because it’s in_ Italy _.” Ashton laughed softly as he opened the doors to the closet. “It sucks that you won’t be able to take it.”_

_You stayed quiet at that, and Ashton started to look through the closest for the red shirt he wanted to wear to the party as he hummed on a melody that had been stuck in his head all day. “But we haven’t even talked about it.”_

_Ashton threw a glance over his shoulder. “What is there to talk about? We’re not moving to Italy, obviously.”_

_“Why would it be obvious?” You huffed, crossing your arms over your chest. “I just want us to sit down and discuss it.”_

_“We don’t need to have a conversation,_ because we’re not moving to fucking Italy _.” Ashton snorted as he pulled the sweats down and grabbed his black jeans. “Our entire lives are in Los Angeles.”_

_“No,_ your _entire life is in LA, Ash.”_

_“That’s not true, what about all our friends and your family?” Ashton slipped into his jeans and then finally turned around to face you, hazel eyes a tad bit harsher than they had been a minute before. “And what about my job? I have the band to think about, I can’t just up and move to Europe and leave the boys here.”_

_“So I should turn down this_ amazing _opportunity and stay in Los Angeles just because you won’t leave?” You climbed off the bed, angrily grabbing the hairbrush from your bedside table. “You’re literally only in LA three months out of the year._ I’m _the one who is stuck here when you’re out there travelling the world.”_

_“But that’s out of my control, Y/N! I don’t get to decide how much I travel. But I_ need _to be here when I’m home.” Ashton had found the red shirt he had been looking for, but tossed it on the floor in frustration. “Do you expect me to just give up my dream to move to Italy? I’ve worked my ass off to get to where I am today.”_

_“Oh, but it’s okay for me to give up_ my dreams _for you? Because I haven’t worked quite as hard as you have to get that job opportunity?” You threw the brush on the bed, and then you were pushing past Ashton to get to the door. “I see how it is.”_

“I feel like it’s all my fault.” Ashton drops his head in his hands as a tear runs down the side of his nose, ending up in his lap.

“No. C’mon, why would it be your fault?” Calum drops a hand to Ashton’s shoulder, squeezing hard.

“Because I’m such a  _fucking_  idiot!” Ashton groans, rubbing his face almost desperately as he tries to stop the tears. “I was so mean to her. And if I wouldn’t have yelled at her she wouldn’t have left us early and none of this fucking shit would have had to happen.”

“It’s not your fault, Ashton.” Luke sighs, stretching out in the chair he’s seated in. “I mean.. Yes, you shouldn’t have yelled at her, but just because you did does not mean you caused the accident.”

“I just…” Ashton looks up, hazel eyes red and sleepy and devastated. “She wants to move to Italy.”

The boys all stay quiet, looking from Ashton to each other. Eventually, Michael leans forward, elbows on his knees as he clears his throat. “She wants to do what?”

“She’s been offered a job in Italy. That’s what our fight was about.” Ashton looks down at his hand, twirling the ring on his finger as he bites down on his lip. “And I said no, because I can’t just move my entire life to Italy, and she got really upset that I wouldn’t talk to her about it, but it wasn’t like  _she_  talked to me before she even applied for the damn thing, and it was  _awful_. I’ve never been as cruel to her as I was yesterday.” Ashton pauses as he realizes he’s rambling.

“I’m-“ Calum coughs. “I’m sure it couldn’t have been  _that_  bad.”

At that, Ashton laughs, the sound coming out more like a choked breath than anything else. “You think what I said was awful last night? That was me being kind in comparison to what I said when we fought.”

 

_Ashton was_ drunk _._

_He hadn’t stopped drinking all night, each drink feeling like a relief as it made his mind go blurry. It wasn’t like he wanted to fight with you or spend his evening scowling at you when he was meant to have fun and celebrate the album and his band._

_But he_ was _mad. He was furious and upset and scared. He felt terrified, because what if you would end up leaving him? Leaving him for a new life in Italy where all of your dreams await. Most of all he felt his heart ache because you hadn’t told him about applying for the job. As if you didn’t trust him or wanted him to know. As if he wasn’t important enough to know._

_Ashton had knocked back shot after shot, swallowing gratefully as the strong liquid slipped down his throat and made the aching less intense. It dulled his every thought, and the more he had the less he seemed to care about your concerned eyes as they watched his back._

_“Fuck man. I am so wasted.” Ashton hiccupped, reaching out to grab onto Michael’s shoulder._

_Michael laughed in response, close to equally as drunk as his best friend, and pushed Ashton away. As Ashton tried to take a step forward he felt the world tip under his feet, and then he was stumbling forward, almost hitting his head in the brick wall in front of him. He placed a hand on the wall, a drunk giggle tumbling from his lips._

_“Ashton.” Then your voice was close and your warm fingers closed around Ashton’s bicep. “I really think we should head home.”_

_“Fuck off.” Ashton jerked his arm away, still too upset to want your soft touch on his skin. “I’m not goin’ anywhere with you.”_

_“Ash-“_

_“No. I said I’m not going anywhere with you.” Ashton stumbled backwards. There was a tiny voice fighting at the back of his head, begging him not to say anything else, to just shut up before he does something he regrets. Ashton found himself wishing he had another fucking drink in his hand to drown those thoughts with. He pushed his chin out. “You’re a fuckin’ asshole of a girlfriend and I_ can’t stand _to even look at you right now.”_

_Your eyes grew wide at his words, and even in the dark Ashton could see the tears well up. You were hurt by his words._

_But Ashton still felt hurt by yours. And at that moment, he didn’t fucking care._

It’s been hours, and Ashton feels like he’s going crazy. He’s sitting on the floor, his back against the wall as he stares at his shoes, clenching his jaw.

He keeps replaying it all. The fight, the party, his harsh words, your terrified screams as your body woke you up from the first surgery. If he could go back in time he would. He would go back to yesterday, sitting on the bed with you in his arms and he would  _listen_. He would listen to what you had to say, he would listen to your dream and he would ask questions and he would hold your hand in his as the two of you looked for solutions. He would proudly keep you close to his side during the party, not drinking as much and listening to your voice when you told him it was time to head home.

If he could go back in time he would change everything that had happened in the last 24 hours. But he can’t, and he presses his knuckles to his mouth to stop the sob as everything hits him. Because you might not even come back, and he will have to live with knowing that the last fucking thing he said to the girl he loves is that she’s an awful girlfriend. And because he knows,  _he knows_ , that even if you do wake up and even if you are okay you might not even forgive him for the things he said.

Luke sinks down next to Ashton, not saying a word. Simply because he knows that words won’t be enough in a situation like this one. And because he knows that the presence of a best friend so close he could be a brother means more than empty I’m sorry’s. That’s what Ashton used to do for him, just quietly sit next to Luke as he cried in panic. And now its Luke’s turn to sit with his shoulder pressed against Ashton’s, offering his company when nothing else can be done.

“Mister Irwin?” A voice suddenly breaks the silence, and all four boys stumble to their feet.

“Yes?”

“I’m Doctor Stuart, I was a surgeon during Y/N’s surgery.” Doctor Stuart offers his hand, and Ashton shakes it slowly, his heart pounding in his chest.

“Is she-“ Ashton’s voice breaks, and he coughs, tugging at his hair. “Is she okay?”

“She’s out of surgery and stable.” Doctor Stuart looks down at the papers in his hands. “However, we won’t know anything for sure until she is awake. But for now, she is stable.”

Ashton grabs onto the sleeve of Michael’s hoodie, his fingers holding on for dear life as if he will fall if he lets go. “When will she be awake? Can I see her?”

“She should be waking up right now.”

 

_It was the sound of Ashton’s phone that woke him up. Ashton swore as he pressed his face against the pillow, his headache intensifying. He decided to ignore it. Whoever the fuck it was that tried to call could call back when he wasn’t tired and hungover._

_The call ended, but his phone started ringing again almost immediately. Ashton groaned and reached for his phone, pressed it to his ear and answered groggily. “Hello?”_

_“Is this Mister Irwin? Ashton Irwin?”_

_Ashton sighed, he was not in the mood for a business call. “Yes, this is he.”_

_“I’m calling from the UCLA medical centre on behalf of Miss Y/N Y/L/N.” the voice on the other end shuffled through some papers. “It says in my papers that you are her emergency contact.”_

_At that, Ashton sat up, his head snapping to his right where he expected to find your sleeping body. He felt his entire body go cold at the sight of the empty bed._

_“Sir? Is this correct?”_

_Ashton felt the panic curling up his spine as the thought back to when he came home last night. It had been dark in the house, and Ashton had been way too drunk to think clearly. He had stumbled into the bedroom, assuming to himself that you were already curled up under the sheets, and had fallen asleep right away._

_“Yes.” Ashton stared at your side of the bed, still untouched since the day before. “I’m her boyfriend. I – what’s going on?”_

_“Miss Y/L/N has been in a car accident.”_

Ashton’s heart is beating so loudly he can feel each thud in his fingertips. He keeps his eyes on the nurse in front of him, hurrying to keep up. The nurse eventually stops in front of a room, her hand on the handle as she turns to face Ashton. “She’s on very high doses of pain medicine, so it wouldn’t surprise me if she won’t wake up for a while.”

“Alright.” Ashton nods, swallowing hard. “Thank you.”

And then she opens the door and Ashton can step inside. You’re lying on a bed, face pale and eyes closed. You’re hooked up to machines, and Ashton feels his knees buckle at the sight of you. So fragile and small and  _hurt_.

He swallows and walks up to the bed, raising a shaking hand to stroke your cheek. “Hi baby, it’s me. It’s Ash.”

He sinks down in the chair next to the bed, grabbing your hand in his, watching as his fingers curl against yours like they were made to be there. Your fingers are startlingly cold, and Ashton’s heart aches for you. He raises your hand to his lips, placing small kisses over your knuckles as he speaks. “I’m here right by your side, baby girl. I’m not leaving you. You take your time to wake up, alright? I’ll wait right here.”

He watches your slow breathing, his body relaxing now that you’re in front of him. Alive and calm, without the agonized screams that Ashton knows will haunt his dreams for months to come.

“I love you, Y/N.” the first tear falls, travelling down his face until it makes a home on your hand. “I love you so much, baby girl, okay? And I’m sorry. I’m sorry for being an asshole and for hurting your feelings.”

Ashton leans back in his chair, his eyes trained on the ceiling as he tries to calm down his breathing. But it’s not easy, because it’s as if everything hits him at once and the tears just  _won’t stop_.

“I’m so sorry, baby girl.” Ashton chokes on the words, leaning closer to you again, his free hand stroking your hair. “We will talk when you’re awake again, okay? We will find a solution together.”

He takes a deep breath, his heart beating fast and his mind spinning and his voice breaking. “You just focus on waking up for me, baby. Wake up for me and be alright, okay? Because I love you so fucking much, and I can’t do any of this without you by my side.”


	3. 3

Ashton’s heart is beating fast fast fast.

He tugs clothes out from his closet, throwing them on the bed where his suitcase is. He doesn’t know what to bring on tour, and quite frankly, he doesn’t really care. Ashton sinks down on the floor, eyes taking in the empty bedroom.

It doesn’t feel like home anymore. The apartment used to be one of Ashton’s favourite places, its walls providing safety and warmth and filled to the brim with love. Now it’s empty and cold and just a reminder of everything that Ashton has lost.

All of your things are gone, every trace of you erased from the apartment as you’ve never even stepped foot in it. There’s not a single thing left as a reminder that your love used to live here. Ashton hasn’t even kept any photos, throwing them all away along with the shattered pieces of his heart. He couldn’t bear to look at your face, to see your smile and remember the times when you used to be happy and in love and here with him.

 

_Ashton sat by your bed for hours, his hand clutching yours tightly. Doctors and nurses came and went, checking in on you and giving Ashton reassuring words. The longer he had to wait, the more he felt like he was going to explode._

_Everyone kept telling him not to worry, that you’d wake up when you were ready to do so, and whilst Ashton appreciated everyone’s kind words he also just wanted to punch someone. Because no one understood. No one understood how his heart was seconds away from breaking, how every breath he took filled his body with an ache so intense he could barely stand, no one understood how each second that ticked by meant one more second without your voice filling his ears._

_People understood the possibility of you not waking up, and despite no one talking to Ashton about it he understood the worry that was passed between the doctors and nurses as they talked outside your room. You were loved by many, and it would be heartbreaking for everyone who held you close to their hearts if you passed, but no one would feel the same heartbreak as Ashton._

_He had gone through the scenario too many times in his head as he sat next to you, your fingers between his and his lips against your knuckles as he studied your face. He had lost control of his thoughts, and he found himself wondering what would happen if you died. What the world would look like without you in it._

_Ashton found it hard to fill his lungs with air every time the thought forced its way into his mind, corrupting every part of his head until the idea of you being dead was all he could think of. So Ashton just sat there, sobs clawing their way up his throat and tears burning his eyes as the boys held him close, trying to offer their support in any way they can._

Ashton hates packing, but he loves to leave.

Not once in the past year as he enjoyed being home. Most of the time he won’t even sleep in the apartment, he will go weeks crashing at either of the boys’ places, sleeping in their guest bedrooms and craving their company as if it’s some kind of drug that will keep his mind away from the knowledge that home is not home anymore because it’s empty and cold and  _you’re not there_. He hates being so dependent on his friends, that even after a year everything he still feels the panic creep up his spine when he tries to sleep in his own bed.

Ashton hates Los Angeles, the city only reminding him of you. He tries to find excuses to leave the city all the time, and whenever he’s forced to be there he finds it hard to breathe. He blames everything on Los Angeles, even though he knows that fight and the accident and  _everything that has happened_  afterwards is his own fault, and not LA’s.

Ashton finds that there is not a place in the city where he feels completely comfortable anymore, which is why he finds it to be such a relief whenever he can leave. He’s been craving to go on tour since the last one ended, the travelling and playing concerts being one of few things that make him feel somewhat whole again.

Ashton takes a pile of folded t-shirts and put them in his open suitcase, a small ounce of relief running through his veins as he packs his life away. He needs to get out of Los Angeles, and he needs to do so now.

 

_“Fuck.” Ashton groaned, lifting his head from where it was resting against the edge of your bed. “Why won’t she fucking wake up?”_

_“Ashton.” Michael’s voice was soft and low, filled with patience as green eyes locked on Ashton’s face. “She will wake up. It’s only been a few hours, and they said she was in a lot of pain. Her body will wake up when she is ready. I promise.”_

_“No, this is taking too long. Doctor Stuart told me she was about to wake up hours ago.” Ashton shook his head and raised a hand to rub his aching eyes. “Something is fucking wrong and no one is telling me anything.”_

_“They would have said if something was wrong, Ash.” Calum stretched out his arms, his face tired from the long hours spent at the hospital. “I don’t think you need to worry. The surgery went well. She’s going to come back to us, man.”_

_“But what if she doesn’t?” Ashton’s voice broke and his eyes welled up with tears again as he looked back at you._

_Your face was pale, your hair spread neatly across the pillow as a result of Ashton running his fingers through it. Ashton felt his heart ache every time he looked at you. You looked so fragile and hurt in that hospital bed, the white and harsh lights only resulting in you looking sicker. Ashton reached out with one hand, fingers stroking your cheek. You had a massive cut under your left eye that had been cleaned and stitched up properly, but Ashton still felt his heart hurt as the skin underneath slowly started to blossom into a soft blue shade._

_“What if she won’t come back?”_

Ashton felt the pressure in his chest ease the moment he was through security at LAX. He was finally leaving everything behind to just focus on the music. It was like he could breathe again, filling his lungs with air after months of suffocating.

“How do you feel, man?” Luke throws an arm around Ashton’s shoulder, a smile on his lips. “Six fucking months away from here.”

Ashton laughs softly, the sound leaving his lips easily for once. “I am so relieved.”

“Australia, here we fucking come.”

 

_It was your gasp that woke Ashton. His eyes shot open and he felt his heart stop in his chest._

_He had expected you waking up to be more like in the movies, your eyes groggily peeling open and his name leaving your lips in relief as you’d lay eyes on him. Instead, the sound tore from your throat, choked and raspy and_ loud _._

_“Baby?” Ashton was by your side in seconds. “Baby, can you hear me?”_

_Ashton heard the other guys stumble to their feet as well in the room, but his focus stayed on you. You groaned, your eyes wide as you looked around the room. Ashton felt the tears well up in his eyes at the sight of you awake again. “Sweetheart, it’s me. It’s Ashton. Fuck, I’m so happy you’re awake.”_

_Your head turned slowly to his, your eyes groggy and unfocused as you stared at him. You opened your mouth as if to speak before you blinked slowly. Ashton leaned forward, the relief of seeing you awake turned his body soft as he reached out with a hand with the intention of stroking your cheek. But as his hand came in contact with your skin you_ flinched _._

_Ashton felt his heart stop._

You love Italy. You really do. It is everything you could have imagined. The food, the people,  _your job_.

You miss home as well, obviously. It’s hard to be so far away from everything that is familiar, from friends and family and your own bed.

And Ashton, of course. Although he is a person you have promised yourself not to think of any more. You haven’t talked to him in close to a year. It’s not like the chance hasn’t appeared, he would text and call you a lot during your first month in Italy, but you never responded. You had been angry with him, your heart broken and your love aching. The only reason you know he’s okay is through the boys, whom you’ve spoken to briefly.

He’s alive, despite his claims that he would not be able to do so without you by his side. He’s alive and he’s living. He’s breathing and he’s moving on. And so are you, despite how much it hurts.

 

_You felt awful, but you had to do it._

_It had been one week since you had come home from the hospital, and you couldn’t stand it anymore. Ashton tried his best. He wanted to take care of you and make sure everything was alright, which was sweet, but it didn’t fix any of the issues you still had._

_You wouldn’t touch him. Not because you didn’t want to, but more because you felt like you couldn’t. Your heart was shattered from the words he had used, and no matter how much you tried you just couldn’t forget them. They kept replaying in your head, screaming through your head and clawing at your ears despite how much you tried to replace them with his sweet whispers he’s used after the surgery. But you couldn’t. And every time you closed your eyes you saw his drunken face as he tried to stumble away from you, the way his mouth had turned hard as harsh sounds escaped them._

_You couldn’t forget._

_You saw the hurt in Ashton’s eyes whenever you flinched as he got too close. But you couldn’t stop it. You didn’t want his hands on your body, didn’t want his skin on yours. He had hurt you, and in your state of high pain and heartbreak, all you could do was push him away._

_He wasn’t home that day. He was in the studio, working with the boys as usual and you just couldn’t take it anymore. You called your mom and then got up from the bed, your aching body protesting. And then you started to pack, throwing things into bags with tears licking your cheeks._

_You didn’t hear him come home. You were grabbing things from your closet, putting clothes in a bag when he stepped into the bedroom and frowned in confusion._

_“Y/N?” At the sound of his voice, you whipped around, startled at his sudden appearance. He stepped into the room and his eyes scanned over your bags. “Baby, what’s going on?”_

_“I just- I can’t anymore, Ashton.” You turned to face the closet again. “I need to leave.”_

_“What are you talking about?” Ashton coughed and ran his fingers through his hair._

_“My mom is picking me up. I’m going to stay with her.”_

_“No baby, what do you mean you’re going to stay with her?” Ashton looked over at you, eyes confused._

_“I mean, I think we should take a break from each other.” You zipped up one of the bags and wiped a few of the tears from your nose. “Because I can’t do this anymore.”_

_“No, baby-“ Ashton stepped closer to you, but you backed away from his outstretched hands, your back pressed against the wall._

_“No, Ashton. Please don’t.” you shook your head, your voice breaking. “I can’t forget. I can’t erase what you said, or how you acted. This isn’t the same anymore._ You’re _not the same to me.”_

_“But baby girl, let’s just talk about this. I am sorry for how I acted, but let’s talk about this and about Italy.” Ashton stepped closer, and you noticed the tears in his own eyes. “I love you. I want to work this out. Let’s just sit down and talk, and we will find a solution.”_

_“No. I can’t.” You choked on the words, the tears like a big lump in your throat. You grabbed one of your bags, and pushed past him._

Ashton has dreaded the end of the tour for multiple reasons. One of them being that he will have to go back to Los Angeles. The other one being the tour stop in Italy.

It’s not that he doesn’t love the country, because he does. It’s the fact that you’re in it, and the fact that you’re not with him because of it.

It’s not that Ashton doesn’t want you to live out your dream, because of course, he wants you to. He would give you the fucking world if he could. It’s just the fact that he’s not there with you by your side to experience it all. It’s the fact that he can’t even experience it with you through the phone or over text, because you’re not his girlfriend anymore.

“You’re feeling alright, ash?” Came Calum’s quiet words. Ashton looks to his side where Calum is seated in the car.

“I don’t know… it feels weird being here.” Ashton looks out the window, a sigh leaving him. “Being in the same city as her again.”

“You’ll be fine, though, Ash.” Calum looks at Ashton, eyes calm and kind. “No matter what happens you will be just fine. We will be with you, both tonight and forever. And you’ll be okay again.”

Ashton nods. “Thank you.”

And as they play their show he feels alright. He closes his eyes and allows himself to get lost in the music until every worry that he’s ever felt is long gone. He plays his heart out, the lyrics of the songs he’s written screamed back at him from the fans. He feels his insides go warm, and he feels safe again, just like he does every night when he gets to go up on a stage with his three best friends.

Nothing is as therapeutic as music, and Ashton is filled with relief as they leave the stage, laughing and stumbling towards their dressing room. It’s like every other night, everyone’s high on the euphoric feeling of having been the main focus on top of a stage. Ashton feels his heart beast fast, happy thuds that lets him know he is finally enjoying himself.

“Well, boys, you always manage to deliver. That was an amazing show.”

 

_The night you left Ashton broke down._

_It was like experiencing that day in the hospital again._

_He sank down on the floor, the sobs clawed up his throat and made his entire body shake. He couldn’t breathe, it was as if air was a concept that was no longer familiar to him. Ashton wrapped his arms around his legs, his forehead against his knees._

_He knew it was all his fault, he was the only one to blame. He shouldn’t have said what he said, shouldn’t have acted the way he did that night. He knew he hurt you, but he couldn’t stop the words. And now it was too late._

_He had known it from the moment you woke up and refused his touch against your cheek. He knew it as you immediately started sobbing, he knew it when he only made you more hysterical as he tried to calm you down. He knew how deeply hurt you were when he watched as Luke wrapped his long arms around you, his body curled up on the edge of your bed with you weeping in his arms. Ashton had had to leave the room alongside Michael, and by the time Ashton had calmed down his own tears and he got back into the room you were sound asleep again._

_You had never jerked away from him like that, you had never before refused his touch or show of affection. He had been terrified._

_And then you came home, and you still refused his touch. Something as simple as a hand of his on your shoulder or a brush of his skin on yours and you tensed up. It broke his heart, because he hated to see you like that. Afraid and hurt, all because of him._

_So he didn’t blame you for leaving. He understood._

_But it still broke his heart._

Ashton freezes at the sound of that voice. He would know it in a crowd of millions. It’s his favourite sound in the entire world.

He whips around just in time to see you being tackled by Calum, his arms wrapping around your body in a hug. Michael and Luke are quick to follow, shouting and laughing as they pull at you for hugs. You smile and you laugh at their reactions, and Ashton doesn’t know what to do with himself.

So he just stares.

You look beautiful. Your hair is a little longer than the last time he saw you, your body fuller and your eyes more alive. He finds it hard to breathe. He finds it so hard to breathe. Because here you are, alive and in the same room as him after a whole fucking year.

Suddenly Michael is shouting about something, and Ashton is too distracted by  _you_  to even listen, but it’s something about a guitar and a security guard and suddenly the boys are gone. And it’s just you and Ashton left.

You stare at each other, and Ashton feels his heart pick up speed. This must be a dream.

“Hi.” You’re eventually the one to break the silence, and Ashton lets out a choked laugh.

“Hey.”

You smile a little, softly and carefully and Ashton’s knees turn weak at the sight. He studies your face, the light scar underneath your eye from the crash has faded, but it’s still there to remind everyone of what happened. Ashton fights the urge to run his thumb over it, to lean closer and kiss it.

“Sorry to just barge in like this. Michael called me last week and said he had a ticket over for me.” You shrug, looking down at your hands. “And the boys wanted me to say hi, and I’m sorry if this is weird, I just-“

“It’s fine.”

You look up at him, your eyes exactly as he the ones he dreams of every night. “So… How are you?”

“I am good. How are you?” Ashton swallows and fumbles to pick up a water bottle. “How’s Italy?”

“Beautiful.” You sigh. “A little lonely.”

And then you’re telling him all about it, about the people you’ve met and the food you’ve had and the things you’ve seen and the job you have. It’s everything you’ve dreamed of, and Ashton finds himself to be relieved. He wants you to be happy. That is all he wants, because he loves you. Because you’re the love of his life, and no matter how far away you are from him you always will be.

He finds this urge to tell you. To tell you that he is not really fine at all. That he loves you and still dreams of you. That he’s sorry for how things ended and how he acted and how he actually doesn’t want things to end. He needs you to know that he wants you in his life.

“I missed you.” Are the words that he eventually whispers. You stay quiet, and Ashton closes his eyes hard hard hard. He almost wishes he didn’t say anything because even though he’s bracing himself he’s not sure if his heart can take another punch.

“I’ve missed you, too.”


End file.
